Cleopatra, Ophelia and Juliet Walk into a Bar
by L. Harris
Summary: A one-shot conversation between three of the tragic ladies. A "defense" of their characters, if you please, in which the ladies discuss love, loyalty and the men in their lives. Humorous to write, even funnier to read aloud. Enjoy!


Scene: some obscure corner of Purgatory

Ophelia: Alas! To what base ends we women meet in the pursuit of the pleasure of men.

Juliet: Oh, sister…

Enter Cleopatra

Cleopatra: What pitiful caterwauling is this? Who mourns?

Ophelia: I am Ophelia, daughter of Polonius, sister of Laertes and once love of Prince Hamlet the Dane.

Juliet: And I, Juliet, misfortunate Capulet.

Cleopatra: Why "misfortunate"? What are these tears? You dishonor womankind!

Ophelia: Rather, we embody it most fully!

Cleopatra: What can you mean?

Juliet: Have you never reflected on the conflict of loyalty which so often wages war with love? We women seem most susceptible to its fallings out, being dependent upon our men for our safe-keeping.

Cleopatra: I have heard only a little of your plight. Were you not the daughter of a noble family, in love and sworn in secret marriage to an enemy of that house?

Juliet: Most lamentable birth! How was I to know that my one true love was a Montague, who I was sworn to hate?

Ophelia: And yet you married him, knowing him to be your enemy?

Juliet: I did.

Ophelia: How did you bear such treason in so young a breast? To thy father's house should all your being have been sworn, who kept you and fed you and reared you in luxury!

Juliet: Perhaps I did do treason, but how could I deny my love? Surely the gods appointed Romeo as my soul-mate—we both felt the supernatural bonds—and to deny our feelings must surely have been blasphemy.

Cleopatra: What of you, Ophelia? I understand that you, too, stood up to the test of loyalty over love. And lost, I hear!

Ophelia: Lost? You may say so. For I did love Hamlet, but when he shunned my love I acceded to my father's will and let him know all.

Juliet: And he in turn confided in the king, Hamlet's enemy-uncle!

Ophelia: You look aghast, but surely you understand how fragile a position a woman of my birth is in. Being noble but not equal to royalty, my relationship with Hamlet was tenuous at best. While he did love me I was smitten and allowed myself to think not on how my behavior would be received by my peers; when he threw my affections back in my face, where else could I turn but to my father, my caregiver and last protector?

Cleopatra: Yours is a complicated part, Ophelia. Some here say you were trait'rous to give Hamlet over, but I think you far less culpable here. Your heart was torn in too many directions while sensibility vied for dominance with deepest love. It drove you mad, I hear.

Ophelia: It did.

Juliet: But what do you know of this conflict, Cleopatra? You, the sovereign of Egypt, surely your crown allowed you more freedom of choice than we, simple women of no real consequence.

Cleopatra: You may call me lucky, if you wish, but my love was no less divided among factions than yours. What, after all, is the foremost duty of a sovereign?

Ophelia: To see to the care and keeping of her people.

Cleopatra: Indeed. And while I did love Antony, my bond with Egypt would not allow that love to remain unsullied. I did woo Caesar once, and Pompey, too, before I took Antony as my lover.

Juliet: Unfaithful wretch!

Cleopatra: Unfaithful to men, but faithful to my country! For though all three men were powerful in their turns, I kept Egypt safe and free as long as I could in the face of their ambition, through my charms.

Ophelia: Did you love any of them, truly, or were they all as pawns to you?

Cleopatra: I did! I am not so cold-hearted as you paint me. My heart did beat, and I was subject to its fancies. I did love Antony in my final days, though he was a Roman.

Juliet: But each time Octavius came to you, you vowed to give him over to Rome!

Cleopatra: I did consider it, and may have taken advantage of the chains my love and his affections returned have on Antony. But every doubt I had I had for Egypt, knowing that through Antony my kingdom could either thrive or flounder. Our love, tainted by politics, was the end of us both, I fear!

Juliet: So you are not so different than we too.

Cleopatra: I regret we are kindred spirits!

Ophelia: Alas for us!

Cleopatra: For us? No. But "alas" for our sisters who have yet the breath of life in their bosom. Our sorry state will be reenacted in their lives a hundred times over 'ere the apocalypse, for such is their fate. Come—away.

Exeunt all three women together


End file.
